----courtesy of ccube----

baby philosophies...

If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is your
- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 3:02 AM

 
one day a boy asked his mother, "mummy, when you drink coffee, you use left hand or right hand?"
mother: i use my left hand
boy: wah! so impressive! i use the spoon, aren't you afraid it's hot?
- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 12:50 AM

 
I wanna feel alive again... I wanna really laugh again... I wanna... I wanna... Bleah!!!

Can't have EVERTHING I want... Hahaha... Sighz... Hope i get this blog going again...

-dan-
- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 12:18 PM

 
My laughter and smiles have left me... I hope they come back soon...

-dan-
- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 11:35 PM

 
Chilli?
A guy sits down in a cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy;s finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full
He says, "Hi! Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help Yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way through, his fork hits something. He looks down and sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes all of the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as i got too."

Lucky...
There were three lunatics who were walking down the street when they came across a huge pile of shit.
The 1st loony put his eye in it and said, "Looks like shit."
The 2nd one puts his nose in it and said, "Smells like shit."
The last one puts his tongue in it and said, "Tastes like shit."
They all looked at each other and said, "Lucky we didn't step on it."

Math problems?
Q: What did the Mathematician do when he was constipated?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.



- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 9:38 AM

 
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 11:49 AM

 
BEFORE AND AFTER OF FALLING IN LOVE

Before - Passion
After - Ration

Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start

Before - Turbocharged
After - Jump-start

Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month

Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football

Before - Idol
After - Idle

Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks

Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - It's like i'm living in a dream.
After - It's like he's living in a dorm.

Before - We agree on everything.
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Charming and noble.
After - Chernobyl.

Before - I love a woman with curves.
After - I never said you were fat.

Before - He's completely lost without me.
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - You look so seductive in black.
After - Your clothes are so depressing.

Before - She saysshe loves the way i take control of the situation.
After - She calls me n controlling, manipulative egomaniacal prick.

Before - You take my breathe away.
After - I feel like i'm suffocating.

- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 11:17 AM

 
I recently paid a visit to a millionaire's house, and ended up not having anything to drink despite the offer. Below is how the offer was made to me:
Question: "What would you like to have..... Fruit juice, Soda,Tea,Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question: "Ceylontea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylontea"
Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"
Answer: "White"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please."
Question: "Milk from Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: "Uhmm? I will take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question:" Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar"
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Walau! Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "Gee! I give up just forget about everything."

- Dr.Dan diagnosed you on 12:37 PM